For My Baby, My Breast Was Definitely Not Best

Originally published on Scary Mommy, November 2020.

"I had an easy newborn." I've heard women say this many times. Mystified, I'm almost six years into motherhood and I'm not really sure what it means to have an easy day. When my second son was about a month old, I went to a coffee shop to sit and cry. I opened an empty journal and dusted it off. The exposed brick across the room was sharp and clear. My mind was wet and foggy.

My first son came out into our arms on a wet January day in 2015 and for two straight weeks we never put him down. We took turns sleeping horizontally and in between dozed vertically, the tiny bundle in our arms.

Mary, the consultant, looked straight into the tears and torment in my eyes and I'll never forget the compassion on her face when she said "You are a wonderful mother, and we're going to get your baby fed."